Lately I've been shoved around and knocked down by the worst bully ever. My bully is downright sneaky too, waiting for the most opportune time to unload it's arsenal of confidence squashing insults.
I would never speak to someone in the manner that my bully speaks to me. What kind of monster says such mean spirited things?
I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to beating myself up and it never fails that when I let my guard down, that inner bully takes advantage.
My bully knows that I hate to be told I can't do something. She's sly and uses tactics like those used on small children. Instead of saying I can't do something, the bully tells me the consequence of not complying.
For instance, these last couple of months have been filled with lots of activities. There would be plenty of fun events peppered about a 2 month span. My bully tormented me for weeks telling me that my body wouldn't hold up to the schedule.
The chronic illness that I live with has just given my inner bully new material to taunt me with. If I'm totally honest with myself I can trace my bully's footsteps way back into my youth.
Just like any playground bully, it went on to see what havoc it could wreak. Instead of taking my lunch money it took my self esteem. Little cash value it would have been, it sure meant more than the chicken fried steak plate to me.
Wait. Wasn't it Eleanor Roosevelt that said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"?
Could I have been the one to invite this bully into my life in the first place? Now that I think about, I do seek approval an awful lot.
There are rows of books on the subject of self doubt and every one takes a different approach to stifling the mean inner beast. I've read quite a few and have even been given sage advice on how to ignore that nagging voice.
At a point in my life I thought that I had really conquered that dark side of myself. In a way I was sort of disappointed that I could let this happen again. It was like somehow I knew too much to let that energy sway my enlightenment, awareness.
I've had more than a week to reflect on the subject while recovering from the fun I had. While reflecting I realized HOW MUCH FUN I HAD!
I had wasted SO MUCH valuable energy on thoughts about there being a LACK of energy that I almost zapped every spurt of energy I had! That's just nuts. And that's not the mean bully inside of me talking.
So today, in the early morning hush I invited my bully to sit and chat over coffee. She accepted.
"I'm not really sure what your intentions were by trying to derail my fun these last few months but it's got to stop." I told her.
My bully took a sip of coffee. She takes hers black.
"I sort of know why you're here with me these days. On some level I'm grateful that you've kept me out of trouble. But I'm OK. Everything's gonna be OK. And it has been. The trip to Florida was awesome. You didn't think I could climb to the top of the lighthouse tower but I did! And the Rush concert with my sis, crazy fun! The first ever Bug Camp with real outdoor camping? What?! Then we went blueberry picking, booyah! I have to say that you really had me concerned with your doubts that I wouldn't be able to stand for the Ingrid Michaelson concert. Front row, standing! Oh yeah! And you were wrong about the age thing. Ingrid even said so herself, "All ages welcome" Soooo..." I said with my lips pursed in an O shape and my eyes rolling.
This is where I think my bully took the hint. Her services were no longer needed. I sent her off with loving kindness. In parting she told me that my flip flops looked like Peppermint Patty's. And that they made my feet look gigantic. And long.
I have GOT to get those locks changed!
Things I Wouldn't Have Done if I Listened To My Bully
|I've always loved light houses, this is my first time in one, looking up at all those steps to climb, but loving the view!|
|Victory! I made it!|
|Got to take my niece blueberry picking this year!|
|I took this shot from the FRONT row! Ingrid Michaelson and Jukebox the Ghost!|