Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Lost Pieces

It always seems like when I think I've got everything under control something happens that throws everything into a whirl. Sometimes I feel like my life is slapped onto a potter's wheel but instead of being molded, sculpted it's left alone and spins around all floppy. Tiny chunks of my life's messy mud is flung around, clinging helplessly to any porous surface that will support it.

While most times I seem to manage to clump my life back together again there always seems to be a piece missing. It's not the chunk that my kitten batted under the fridge either. I've accounted for that piece but what's happened to the rest of it?

This last week was probably the first time that I gave a good long stare down at my Sjogrens Sydrome. Instead of the recon like scouting I've done previously, I really took a realistic examination of my new opponent. Life is complicated enough without this throwing more mess into the mix. After careful observation I think I've found where my missing chunks of life have gone.

With each "flare" I have realized that I come out of it with a bit more apprehension. I'm not as quick to throw on my apron and whip up a batch of cookies. I've found that I'm almost never a morning person anymore. I miss making big breakfasts on the weekend. When I say yes to an invitation I try real hard to squash the whispers of fear that I might not feel well enough to make it. I'm not the cheerleader on the sideline anymore that can shout out rah rahs for my loved ones' endeavors.

Those might seem like silly things but to me those chunks weren't just pieces...they were "peaces". They were little moments of peace amongst the chaos that family life is. I miss those parts of me that I've set aside from the lump.

The hardest part for me is never really knowing when the potter's wheel is going to be turned on. I rather like the idea that I'm being molded into something new every day so I don't resist being a lump of clay. I just resent the fact that Sjogrens gets to keep it's foot on the peddle. Just when I think I'm steady I begin whirling around again. This latest "flare" has me dizzy, let me tell you.

This afternoon I'm trying to find the chunks again:

  •  I'm grateful that Hubby is making dinner.
  • I'm so glad that  I don't have anywhere to be this evening so jammy time can be early.
  • Got word that the seeds my niece and I planted are sprouting. She was so proud she shouted, "I did that!"
  • My untended garden is more abundant than it logically should be. 
  • My boys are old enough now to notice that we're spoiling the kitten and that maybe it needs discipline. 

So now I'm pretty much back together. I'm realizing that people pay good money for this kind of dizzy. I should just be still, kind to my body while it rebounds. I know there are some things left undone and that's ok too. And you know what? That chunk of me that the kitten bopped under the fridge... I can do without. That was the part that was crazy enough to care how clean the underside of my fridge was!

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